A typical weekday evening...

I used to come home from work, make dinner and sit on the couch for four hours. Or I'd bring home carryout and sit on the couch for four hours. And now after 3.5 weeks my typical evening is home, change, run out the door, workout, home,
shower, dinner and bed. And tonight I'm amazed that the girl who struggled to do 12 min on the elliptical such a short time ago can now do this...

More numbers and a disappointment...

Due to a medical issue I couldn't go to my killer Wednesday night class last night. I was really upset about it. Then I realized that 3 weeks ago I would have been psyched to miss it. My mentality is changing as evidenced by my response to missing class last night. Then today I was totaling my January points for my company's internal get fit program. I track mu points every day.

We are required (if we participate) to get 2,000 points a month through various activities. I generally got the bare minimum. My total today (without tonight's workout) is 11,165!!!! I looked at how many minutes I've worked out and was FLOORED!! See, I don't count from my arrival at the gym to my exit. I count actual minutes of moving my fanny. Since January 7th I've worked out 1,825 minutes which averages 260 minutes a week or 76 minutes a day. I think my goal for February is to increase that by 50%!

Rewarding myself...

I used to reward myself with baked goods or a savory treat. Or I'd go to the movies as a treat and as I now know take down a ridiculous amount of calories in buttered popcorn. I've decided when I hit the halfway mark I will reward myself with a facial and massage. I came home last night to a gift from my Sisterchicks to defray the cost of the reward. More than the gift card it was the message on the card that made me happy!!!

Sending some shout outs...

Lately, I have felt a lot of love. People who have repeatedly checked in, given encouragement, made me feel better when I wasn't sure how I was gonna get through this. So tonight some thank yous...

My parents who let me get cleaned up at their house in the early morning hours after boot camp and always tell me how proud they are...
My big brother who has sent the occasional just checking in texts and the good job responses to my progress...they mean a lot to me.
My Sisterchicks who send me notes of encouragement and virtual high fives..
JZ- You don't know it but I know that you are stepping it up too and that keeps me going because my competitive nature makes me want to push you even more...
SC- I wish you could do this journey with me but when you can do it I will be right there cheering you on too! Even if it starts with our early morning walks...
CSE- I keep hearing you in my head when the legs are burning saying 'Just Keep Going!'
A.B.-Who voiced the fact I have taken a long time taking care of others and so it's my turn to take care of myself...that made me feel ok about ignoring others (just for a bit)
My Boss E who has said if I need to come in late, leave early or take a long lunch anything he can do to help me succeed...I'm a really lucky girl to have such a great boss.
AP- You've been there and your random check ins with me and celebratory treats (healthy) make me smile...you know how to help me appreciate what I have accomplished and not focus on what I haven't.
And finally...A.T.! I watched you all last year and if I hadn't seen you do this I would never have thought it possible. Thanks for the emails keeping me accountable!

Just a big round of thanks to all of you! You all deserve shout outs!

Fighting that little voice...

Everyone has a voice inside them. Sometimes it tells them to do the right thing or do the wrong thing and sometimes it is a self defeating voice that says don't even bother. I have spent a lot of time in the last three weeks trying to overcome that little voice. To change it and make it know that 'I can't' or 'It hurts too bad' or 'You aren't going to be successful' are not acceptable mantras. I am trying to replace that voice's negative statements with slightly more positive though realistic ones like "I can do this for 40 more seconds!" or "This hurts like a b*+#h but it will be over soon and you'll feel good." And, my personal new favorite..."You put on your shoes and walked out the door...right there that is success."

The numbers frustration...and solution

I'm a results person. I like projects with a defined beginning, middle and end. I like to have measured progressive steps and quantitative proof of those steps. So imagine my frustration when I step on the scale and the weight isn't dropping. I love my friends who reassure me with 'You are building muscle.' I know this to be true but it doesn't always help when all you want is that number to drop. So I decided to come up with other numbers.

50 - The number of minutes I can now do the elliptical at a minimum RPM of 55 without stopping
10- The highest incline I can do so far on the elliptical
10 (again)- The number of minutes I can do a 10 incline on the elliptical before I need to lower it for 5 minutes
9,500+- The average number of calories I have cut per week
5,500+- The average number of calories I burn a week sweating my a$$ off
8- The number of inches I have lost on my body
3- The number of weeks I've been working at this
9- The number of weeks left in this session
35- The number of years give or take a few I never imagined I could do something like this

If you aren't sweating what's the point?

I used to be one of those people who would go to the gym and flip through a magazine while sitting on a stationary bike. Or who would jump on an elliptical and feel like I was doing something if I went 20 minutes then when it started to get hard would quit. Now, I love the feel of sweat pouring down my face and back. Really you haven't lived til you've snorted sweat up your nose while in downward dog or felt it flowing into your ear canal past your headphones. I have to admit for a moment I thought perhaps I might get a shock from them. If my legs aren't burning or my butt or I don't have sweat drenching every part of me, I feel like I'm not working.

I think about this as I watch a woman walk around the track with her blue tooth in chatting with a friend and barely putting one foot in front of the other...or the other woman who is walking slowly around the track reading a book. All I can think is 'You are gonna hurt someone!' Then I decide no judging but I do wonder, do they feel as good after going to the gym as I do? No my body doesn't feel awesome, my body is screaming to take a hot shower and pass out. But that exhaustion mixed with the sweat is my new favorite feeling.

My changing wardrobe...

Yes first I should say I am noticing changes in my clothing. While the numbers on the scale aren't dropping (yet), my pants and shirts fit better. But that's not the wardrobe I'm thinking about. I'm talking about my sweaty stinky gym clothes. Again I highly recommend Tide Sport with Febreeze. It's expensive but worth it.

Before, when I went to the gym I covered my body. By that I mean I wore long sleeve shirts, sweatpants and big sweatshirts as much as I could. When I swam I did it on off peak hours with the fewest people possible in a bathing suit with a skirt.

You know what? Those clothes SUCK for working out. In the last three weeks my gym wardrobe has become tight spandex/compression pants and tops and sometimes a t-shirt. When I swim it's in a tankini without the skirt and I don't care if I share a lane with 2 or 3 people. Cause you know what, I am tired of subconsciously dressing to hide my body from other people's eyes. I think in a way I wore those heavy pain in the a$$ clothes so as not to offend anyone with my body. My time at the gym is shifting from caring what others think about what I am doing to only focusing on caring about what I am doing and whether I am performing as well as I should. So if you don't like the sight of a girl with a large fanny/belly in tight pants or a bathing suit, well then that's your problem. I'm too busy moving that fanny to care anymore what gym rats think of me.

Scale in the morning, scale in the evening...

It's not about a number. I would be lying if I said the endgame wasn't a goal to try and lose weight. But, the ultimate goal is to look in the mirror and feel proud. Proud of the choices I make in the day and the work that I put into making my body better. 

That said, this morning I got onto the scale and realized that I broke through a number. But, that was this morning. Tonight after working my fanny off (50 minutes of cardio with only a 15 second pause to take a sip of water---new personal best) I decided when I got home to get on the scale. There it was the same weight loss this evening as I had this morning.

That means that I am burning all the fuel I put in my body...I'm not holding on to it...I maintained a loss all day and it didn't increase in the evening. Now, tomorrow I could wake up and the number would be up but right now I smile and pack my bag because tomorrow is Friday bootcamp.

Is it better to not know?

It's Wednesday. My anxiety about Wednesday nights grows exponentially starting around 1:00 in the afternoon...because Wednesday night is switch up at Fusion. I've mentioned it a couple times (here: First Wednesday or Second Wednesday) but now it is week three. On the first week, we were all nervous because we had no idea what to expect. Then I heard a regular say that this is the hardest class offered at Fusion. By the second week, I was apprehensive because I remembered how hard the first week had been but then we worked with new equipment...enter the sliders. These horrible discs that you stand on and do mountain climbers or awful moves that make your whole body burn.

This week was different. Gone was my apprehension based on the unknown, gone was the fear I couldn't get through the class. Tonight, my fear was based on knowing....and on a decision. A decision I made to consciously push myself and my body beyond any comfort zone. I would attempt every move. And while I knew I couldn't do them the whole time, I would push until I couldn't anymore. I didn't know what I could do and I wouldn't know until I tried. And so, I did. I pushed and I grunted and I sweated through my shirt. I gave myself mental pep talks and pushed hard for the last 20 seconds of almost every move until I had no energy left. I even experienced the epic joy of snorting sweat up my nose while contorted in a position into which no human being should ever be forced. So I knew what to expect and I didn't know how far I could push...Now I know I can push myself and I'm proud. But, now I know I can push myself and next Wednesday is only 7 days away.

Well hell, I have dimples that aren't in my fanny...

A trick of being a big girl is not having a full length mirror. In an emergency I stand on a chair so I can get a glimpse of an outfit or stand on my front porch and see my reflection in the front door. Long and the short, not a lot of time is spent in front of mirrors. See, if you don't look in a mirror you don't see your body falling apart. You don't look in a mirror you can pretend you aren't the biggest you have ever been.

Lately, I love mirrors. No I haven't lost a ton of weight but my body is changing. My skinny jeans don't require me to suck it in, in fact I can take em off without unbuttoning them! When I go to the gym, after a workout, I take a second and look at myself in the full length mirror. Perhaps the bodily changes aren't visible to all, but I feel them. Even if it is just a shift in my attitude. My attitude that looks back at me in the mirror and smiles because I know that rather than sitting my butt on the couch for three hours I was in the gym at 5:30am and again at 5:30pm. I do know my face is less puffy and when I smile just right...there they are...a couple lil dimples...not very well defined but they make me giggle...

On kicking your own ass...

Today is Monday. That means that there is no time for the 'Mondays', rather alarm at 4:45am and in the car at 5:10 and freezing in single digit weather. My mind and heart weren't in the right place this morning. I went to bootcamp of course, but I really just went through the motions. I didn't push myself and I know it. For some reason I held back. I know I burned calories cause I was a sweaty mess and it hurt but still not my best effort.

This nagged at me all day. It nagged at me during breakfast, while I worked on my to-do list, while I made my lunch while I answered emails...all the while in the back of my mind I thought 'You can do better.' So, at 3:00 I made the decision that my evening workout would not in fact be an easy one. Instead, I did one of our 3 take home workouts and pushed myself. Where we were supposed to be at a level 4 on the treadmill or 40 RPM on the elliptical...I kicked it up to 50 RPM. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. And now, I can put my head down tonight knowing that I did in fact push myself. Sometimes you can be your best ass kicker.

Chapped thighs and a hot sweaty mess...

Sundays used to mean sleeping in then building a fire and making a ridiculous breakfast while reading the paper. Sundays used to be lazy. That was another time.

This morning I treated myself and did sleep til 8am. Then on when the tight pants, layers and sneakers and out the door for a 3 mile power walk. Did I mention it was 20 degrees? My face is now chapped and surprise so are my thighs. Because all I do is sleep, sweat, shower, work, sweat, shower and sleep my skin is a scaly nasty mess which will retain no moisture. I can't get enough water because I always feel dry. Oddly enough I feel the most dry when I am drenched in sweat.

This afternoon marked my last workout of the week. 45 minutes on the elliptical. I want to thank my friend A.P. for the detergent recommendation as it is a necessity to get the stench out. I am now isolating my workout clothes from the everyday clothes (though the two are now one and the same). It reminds me of college when we would go to the only bar in town (The Salt Mine) and then keep those clothes seperate from all our other clothes because of the well...aroma.

So I exist in a world of sweaty shirts, pants and socks. My hair is a wreck and my face and thighs are chapped...and I've never felt better.

It's my cellulite bursting...

I treated myself and stayed in bed til 9am. Way way way to late. It threw off my plan and after an hour on the elliptical the pool was filled with little ones having swim lessons. So instead of laps, I ran to target and didn't care that I was a hot sweaty mess in spandex. Until two weeks ago wouldn't be caught dead in public like this.

Came home and downed my lunch (slices of chicken breast with mustard, carrots and a special treat of sugar free pudding). Did I mention I cut out all sugar (save for a luna bar) ie no candy cookies sweets for the last two weeks.

Then before cleaning up, sneakers back on and my fanny was back out the door for an hour power walk through my neighborhood. Up and down the hills...looking at the beautiful old homes in my neighborhood. Waving to my elderly neighbors out enjoying the sunshine. Smiling at the dogs especially the unusually animated basset hound. And just like that, I was done for the day.

I walked back in the house and felt a feeling I hadn't felt in a while. A popping in my thighs and fanny. And laughed. See my friend E used to do the elliptical in my building's gym years ago and when we would feel that feeling she'd turn to me and say 'I imagine that is my cellulite bursting.' So now, whenever that feeling hits me I imagine that it is my dimpled cellulite bursting and I am satisfied with my hard work.

And just like that, I was running...

In my dreams sometimes I am running. Not from anything really just running because in my dreams it feels so good. I don't have extra weight, my knees and balance aren't an issue. In my dreams I am fast, I feel the wind and my feet barely touch the ground. I can run uphill and downhill with ease and think nothing of it but how free I feel. In my dreams.

Then, I wake up. Until these last couple weeks I woke up and knew I couldn't do such a thing. My body and my mind were weighing my down. I'd lay in bed, shrug it off and move on. But, every once in a while, I'd think how great it felt and and how free I was in my dreams.

But things have changed and they changed today. 4:45am the alarm went off and by 5:20 I was at the indoor soccer arena and ready for bootcamp. Every Monday and Friday morning it is something new. Today our workout was a team effort. We went through the drills of 12 different (miserable) exercises. Then we were grouped into groups of 5 and we were told that on each index card was a different exercise. The catch, the notecards were at the other (FAR) end of the soccer field. And we had to run and pick one up and bring it back to the group then start that exercise. Well, you had to do that exercise until the next person got back with a new one. I don't like being the slowest and the prospect of speed walking was not an option or my poor team would be doing burpees or deep lunges for 3 minutes instead of 1.

All too soon it was my turn and instead of the voice of my waking hours telling me I can't do this, my dream voice kicked in and just like that...I was running.

Making a fool of yourself is easier with two...

After last night's tough class, I couldn't stand it when my alarm went off at 4:45. But no excuse when you are meeting someone. I met another girl from my bootcamp for take home workout #4. Why were we meeting? Because this one requires people to do stupid looking moves across gym floors. Why so early? Because you are not going to be in view of as many people. So there we were at 5:30 am doing the modified skipping, galluping, speed walking, butt kickers, high knees and lunge steps across the gym floor all followed by a mile on the elliptical. Then...we did it all again. Drenched in sweat after round two it was time for the dreaded 30 second planking followed by pushups and repeat 4 times. Ow ow ow ow. But I have to say with someone by your side the time goes much faster. And yes people stared down at us from the track overlooking the gym.

Then tonight, around 4:10 I started watching the clock. I couldn't wait to get out of the office and get in the pool. Finally after waiting patiently for the old people water aerobics to end I got my lane and got moving. Swimming is my favorite because while it's hard work it is so relaxing for my body. But I have to admit, I had more fun with a buddy this morning doing the painful take home workout.

Me and my yellow yoga mat...

I travel with a yoga mat and a towel in my car constantly now. The yoga mat is for class because it is necessary. The towel is so I can dry it and myself off midway through a workout because it is so soaked with sweat that I can't keep from slipping. Tonight I had my second Wednesday night Switch Up Fusion class. This is the one that tried to kill me last week. Tonight I was introduced to the joy of sliders. You stand on them and do all sorts of horrible moves that a human should never be forced to do. But tonight I noticed something. I was the only one in my class with a bright yellow mat.

Yellow has always been my favorite color. Light yellow, bright yellow, soft yellow, yellow with a hint of orange...it is my favorite. It is the color of my favorite flower and soon to be the color of my living room. I remembered during class that supposedly colors of yoga mats have to do with your chakras and say something about your personality. So tonight when I got home, obsessed with the color of my mat, I looked it up and here is what I learned.

• A yellow mat indicates that I am joyous
• A yellow mat indicates that I am happy
• A yellow mat indicates that I am hopeful
• Apparently a yellow mat indicates that when I walk into a room it is filled with sunshine and lightness
• Best of all, my yellow mat means that I inspire optimism in others and I hope that I am doing that with this project

A mental obsession...

I find myself daydreaming when I am in the middle of meetings or doing a task (laundry, bills, cleaning) of doing exercise. I think of how much better I would feel if I was on an elliptical or finishing a bootcamp class. Mind you when I am in the middle of class I am cursing myself for ever starting this madness. I hear other girls complain about wanting different foods but I can say I've yet to have that. I feel like I am entering a zone. It feels really good to be completely and totally selfish and tell others that I can't help them that I am focused on myself. For the next 10 1/2 weeks at least that is all I can focus on.

9,239

Well my first full week of bootcamp finished at midnight last night when the clock rolled over on my 'Lose It' application and the counting started again. Unfortunately since I am on the road I missed the first weigh in. Rather than mess up the timing and weighing in on Friday then again 4 days later I have decided not to weigh in this week. Instead I will focus on what I have done with my first week.

1. When I did my first take home workout I struggled to keep going for 12 minutes of a 36 minute workout on an elliptical at a level 1 and stopped 4 times in 36 minutes. Today, I did take home workout #5 and finished the 43 minutes on the elliptical increasing and decreasing speed while increasing and decreasing the levels and stopped once for a couple seconds to take a sip of water.  Then I hopped over to the treadmill for a brisk 20 minute walk!!!

2. Last week after 30 minutes I was in physical pain. Every muscle hurt and I wanted to cry when walking up or down stairs. Now, while I am sore I am not in pain. And my solution to soreness is to get my ass back on the elliptical.

3. Food: I am eating to fuel my body and not for pleasure (though you can enjoy a healthy dinner). I am looking and considering food before I eat it. I haven't eaten a cookie, candy or any other form of processed sugar in a week.

4. Soda, while I haven't cut Diet Coke out completely (yah don't know if I can do that...) I have dropped my intake dramatically.

5. Water...well let's just say I am extremely hydrated!

I feel like all I do is sweat, shower, work, plan meals, sweat, shower sleep...and I kind of really love it. Not to be self righteous but because when I look in a mirror, I smile at myself because I have done something good for myself every single day this week.

So I lowered my BMR number (ie calories I can take in an maintain weight) by 500 calories a day totaling 3,500 calories. Then with workouts I brought up my total reduced calories to 9,239 for the week! Think about that for a minute. And I have never been hungry and had to deny myself food. I will say, it is tempting to see that I burn off 500 calories and then not say hey I can eat another 500 calories. Once I burn it off for the day, it is off. And, I have never felt better.

So... 9,239 was my number this week. Let's see what next week brings!

Hotel workouts...

God bless hotel gyms. The equipment is not always in the best condition but it's there. And there is no excuse. I worked my fanny off at my friends home this morning then after a lovely brunch, got in the car and drove to the town where I have to work the next couple days. Before I could settle in to my room, I changed clothes...put on my 'dancing' shoes and kicked it into high gear in the hotel gym. Had it all to myself for an hour and rather than changing to Lifetime or E!...i thoroughly enjoyed the Strongest Man competition on ESPN 2. I thought, no way will I ever do that but I'm closer to that physique than I was a week ago!

Hitting the road...

I decided to start this adventure after some other items in my life had already been put on the books. One of those items was a trip to the greater D.C. area both for work and for fun. My friend from my years in Boston recently had her first baby and I took this as an opportunity to meet the cute lil guy.

There is no secrecy in this project so I reached out to her and let her know what I am doing and told her what I needed from her to help. God bless her she was more than obliging. Cooking amazing meals of steamed veggies and lean proteins. Letting me use her elliptical in the early hours of the day to get workouts in. Before I even walked out the door I had a plan in my head for how I was going to workout and burn calories. I packed all my snacks (almonds, fruit, protein bars) before I went to the airport.

We walked the National Mall on Saturday for many hours and I burned a bunch calories that way. My proudest moment? I went to the Jefferson Memorial for the first time since I was a little squirt and I walked up the stairs and didn't get winded. Then when walking down the stairs, I didn't hesitate to scurry down them. See, usually I go slowly, terrified of losing my balance. Not this time. I can totally do this!

Two a days...

Today was my last bootcamp meeting of my first week. It was my first day of putting two workouts in one day. When I was in college, the football team was the majority of the men enrolled at our tiny school or so it seemed. This was especially true in the fall when students were returning. Gessner Hall, the men's dorm, was the smelliest place on earth during football two-a-days. Sometimes they were forced to do three a days. I couldn't understand how those boys could walk into the cafeteria and be so disgusting. I had no appreciation for the amount of work they did, until today.

This morning I stepped out the door at 5:05 and went to bootcamp where I was introduced to the 'joys' of circuit workouts. Remember the muscle shaking I mentioned previously? Yup it happened again. I admit at points I had to stop and not only physically will myself to continue but mentally push past the 'I can'ts' and 'It's too hard' that was running through my mind. And then, it was over. My first week. My first three 'bootcamp' days. Since today is a travel day for me for work I could have come straight home for a leisurely morning of packing and prepping. Instead, I went to the gym. And got my butt back into the pool. I even did it without the swim skirt covering my a$$ (a small self esteem feat). 30 minutes of lap swimming and I was done.

I came home and sat down and immediately remembered how those guys looked during two and three a day practices. And finally, I kind of understood.

Affirmations are everywhere...

It's raining outside and unseasonably warm. It is foggy and misty and romantic. It's the kind of night you want some tea and a blanket and to watch An Affair to Remember on the couch.
It is in fact NOT the kind of night you want to drag your ass to the gym. So I compromised, gym yes but this time...I swam laps. About 12 minutes in I was cursing myself again and kept looking to the dark windows thinking how great Thursday night television can be. Then I turned to my right. And there, wading into the pool...a fellow bootcamper. She came with her kids to the pool in a quest to swim more efficient laps. We chatted and laughed over our mutual pain.

I could say that this was the affirmation, but no...it came when she turned to me and said, 'After Monday's class, I threw up.' HALLELUJAH! I admitted to my issues as well and felt much better and less weak than I did about that whole situation.

And so I sit here, the smell of chlorine on me, debating the purpose of showering when I have to be up and out the door to sweat again at 5am. And I'm proud. Any other rainy night I would have cuddled up with a nice drink (probably some food), and a blanket and watched t.v. And because of all those nights of laying on the couch, tonight I had to spend it in the pool.

I imagine this is similar to childbirth...

I had my first Fusion class tonight. It is one of the three weekly meetings of my bootcamp group. 6:40 pm. I'm thankful that I was forewarned on how hard it was but have to say in the first two minutes I thought...'No possible way...'
Here I am an hour and a half later after finishing and here is what I now know:

1. Fusion is a mix of crazy painful movements done in 60 second intervals over 60 minutes with no resting in-between
2. Your heart rate (or mine at least) is at its peak in about 4 minutes
3. There is no shame in modifying moves to both push your body while not causing damage
4. There is also no shame in sweating your ass off in front of others...it is in fact very lady like
5. Every muscle in your body can shake at the same time from sheer exhaustion

I've never given birth. But I've heard from friends about how you use every part of your body to focus on that single task and at the end you are exhausted and elated at the same time. Tonight, I feel like I've given birth to my new self. I am exhausted both physically and mentally but I am elated at the same time.

My Curt Schilling moment...

There is a big difference from waking up at 4:45 vs. 5:00. Or so it seems. Sit up in bed..ow...feet on the floor...ow...walk to the bathroom ow ow ow...

I stood at my bed and stared at my clothes then looked at the clock...5:10...I stared some more...5:20...if I just wait I don't have to go. But, I DO have to go.

This morning was my first morning at my Community Center Gym. I have a gym but it is way far south by my office so I picked up a 6 month membership here so I can sleep an extra 15 minutes on individual workout days.

First up, my mile time. We were all responsible for timing ourselves on our mile. Use this as my warm up and well I was rather disappointed in myself, til I remembered that I did it, its over...one more thing to check off the list. Next up, the first of the take home workouts. I did the adjusted one for the elliptical. I know my body and it is not ready to do this on the treadmill.

1 minute at 40 RPM at 1% incline
1 minute at 45 RPM at 1% incline

1 minute at 50 RPM at 1% incline
1 minute at 55 RPM at 1% incline

1 minute at 60 RPM at 1% incline
1 minute at 40 RPM at 1% incline

1 minute at 50 RPM at 1% incline
1 minute at 60 RPM at 1% incline

1 minute at 40 RPM at 1% incline

1 minute at 50 RPM at 1% incline
1 minute at 60 RPM at 1% incline

1 minute at 40 RPM at 1% incline
Repeat a couple more times then keep going til you hit 500 calories...
Then 30 seconds bicycle 30 seconds planking (I'll admit I skipped this part this morning because not only was I running late but I literally couldn't stand).

At minute 18 I was dying, by 20 I was ready to say screw it...then it became a matter of endurance. Not physical, but mental.

In 2004 Curt Schilling hurt his ankle in Game 1 of the ALCS vs. the Yankees. He was slated to pitch Game 6 but everyone knew his tendon was messed up. He had a surgery to connect tissue then went out and pitched an AMAZING game against the Yankees. Kept my Red Sox in it for Game 7 which they won and went on to sweep the Cardinals and finally break the curse. Not many remember the World Series because it was a sweep. But everyone remembers game 6 of the ALCS and his bloody sock. Because it kept getting worse and he kept pitching.The mental toughness that it took for him to ignore the pain.

I'm not saying that I have his mental toughness (yet) nor do I believe that my pain was worse...far from it. But, when I got home after my workout and finally took off my shoes, it seems I had a cut on my ankle and my own bloody sock.

Seriously?! Again??!!!

4:41am I woke up and stared at the clock willing it to turn back by 40 minutes, no such luck. Out of bed 9 minutes later, dressed and ready. Tried to choke down some Kashi but too damn early. Oh well, I'm learning. Then grab my bags I packed yesterday and off I go! Thank god for small blessings, no frost on my car this morning so I saved 2 minutes of scraping and busted out to the indoor soccer fields in Lenexa. We all stood there looking at each other like deer in headlights, some from exhaustion some from fear and some (like me) from questioning what the HELL AM I DOING HERE?!

Warm ups, to call them warm ups would be shall we say a lil too lenient. Walk around the soccer field, ok no problem. Now jog (or speed walk which is what I did). Now skip...now high step...now walk...now run...now side step lunge...now high step...now back kick (ie:try to kick your butt while walking/running)...and....reverse and do the whole thing again....15 minutes of this. OWWWW

Sip of water (not a gulp)

Then we learn moves they do at Fusion... The speed skier, the climber, then some evil leg lift thing. Squats squats squats. Ok now we are going to jog then sprint or walk then jog back and forth across the field 'Push yourselves'.

Then more steps, more lunges, kicks etc.

Sip of water (not a gulp)

Then yoga mat time...pick a partner....One partner does Wall sits (like an 'aided' long term squat) while the other does bicycles then you switch.

And then it started again. One nice girl told me she thought she was gonna vomit. And that put the idea into my body and after 5 minutes of fighting it...ran to the bathroom again (this time the ladies) and well...let it go. Splash some water on my face, rinse my mouth and run back in. Just in time to alternate between mountain climbers and jumping jacks. Finally finishing with super shitty ab work and stretching.

Man that is a LOT in one hour!

Yup, I vomited...

So we started today. It was orientation. That seems like a rather innocuous term, just starting off. You know we are gonna take some measurements, talk about nutrition etc...

Well it started with paperwork, then weigh in (no one sees your number but you) and you have to write that number down. I had to smile big for the camera for a front view and a side view...woo hoo. For a girl who is avoiding mirrors and getting her picture taken this was a scary moment. Then you go measure yourself (hips, waist, bust) and again write those down privately. Then thanks to that ration you get your BMR which is your calories to maintain. Then you subtract 500 yes 500 calories from that to get your daily target. Shit...shit shit shit. This is a time you say man why am I so darn short?!

After that lovely experience I hear my name, turn around and see a friend from college who I haven't seen in probably 6 or 7 years. It would be too much to hope that the girl who was once the star soccer player could have gotten fat after 4 kids. No such luck, she is an instructor but I have to say always the nicest girl and so positive and excited for me so that helps.

Then the real fun. with a partner and an instructor watching you you got to do the following:

1 minute of push ups
1 minute of squats
Planking for as long as you can
Jumping rope for a minute
And finally the fresh hell of running up and down a high step platform for 3 minutes to get your Active Heart Rate.

Then we all sat, learned about the program, heard inspirational information then it began. They started talking food...how we view food, how we eat, what we eat, how we have to change our minds and in between they kept naming examples. Suddenly I felt hot, sweaty and gross and felt something rising up in me. Room was spinning and my body was fighting so yup...up I jumped and briskly walked out of the room...straight into the Men's room where I promptly vomited. Excellent...excellent well done...SHIT. So I rinse my mouth out, splash some water on my face and ready to go. Walked back in like I just really needed to pee and sat. I felt so much better and all I could think was thank GOD I wasn't too nervous to get up and walk out...or too nervous to get up and walk back in.

Now to get the house in order and get to bed early cause 4:45 is gonna come real early....

Getting my s#*+ together...

For the last few months my best friend S and I have been cheering for others to get their s#*+ together as life has been kicking people in the fanny. We see train wrecks on reality tv and have prided ourselves that 'Hey we have our s#*+ together.'

In a way I did, but in a bigger way I didn't. So today was the prep day, I enjoyed some last treats that are now expelled from my home. I took care setting up a temporary membership at my community center. I have a gym membership but as I said yesterday I have a crazy scheduled calendar. It won't be feasible to get all the way out south to my regular spot on certain days so Sylvester Powell Community Center it is....

I hit Target. I will be getting ready for work at my parents home on the other side of town and rather than deal with schlepping my crap back and forth, I am putting duplicates of my necessities at their home.

Somewhere in all that running around I noticed that a friend of mine 'Liked' a group on Facebook. I noticed this as I has having my thousandth self doubting conversation in my head. I mention this because the picture looked familiar. It was one of the girls who is doing the same bootcamp for the 3rd or 4th time and has been on an amazing journey for a couple years. I can't wait to meet her. Self doubting....over (for that hour at least).

Then I indulged in laziness...really I did that first by laying in bed for a couple hours then laying on the couch then flipping through magazines. All activities that are gonna be nixed at noon tomorrow.

Today was spent...getting my s#*+ together!

I can do anything, if it's on a calendar...

I woke up at 2am in a panic...what the HELL was I thinking? How the hell am I going to do this? There is no way I can do this and it continued like that for two hours until I said to myself...How can I not do this?

And so the obsessive planning begins. Clothing is ready (still need new shoes and socks). I have reviewed the schedules of my gym and local community center because well here is the lowdown....

I will have bootcamp Monday and Friday at 5:30 am
I will have bootcamp Wednesday at 6:40pm
I will have three additional elliptical/treadmill workouts
I will have to workout and additional 6...SIX times per week for a total of TWELVE workouts a week.
I have to plan my meals, snacks etc.
I have to shop for an prepare said meals.
Oh yah I have a job 8am-5pm and I travel for work
I volunteer for not one, not two but three charitable organizations and sit on 4 committees for those groups.

And so...I put together my calendar for the next 90 days which includes the tasks I have to get done before noon on Sunday.

As I was looking at these crazy blocks all over my calendar it came to me.

I can do ANYTHING for one hour! I CAN DO ANYTHING FOR ONE HOUR!!! And so...124 hours of working out will begin with a single hour.

Back to a Five Year Old Mindset...

When I was 5 I started taking piano lessons. I went to a woman's home named Chris Elmore and sat in her basement studio and slowly learned how to find Middle-C, how to remember that 'Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge' will help me remember the scales and that if I practiced I could get a sticker. My father likes to tell me how just a few weeks after I began, the first recital was held and I played just like all the big kids. After I played my five note song, my father went to Chris and told her 'I can't believe that she did that! She didn't seem afraid at all.' Chris apparently replied 'I don't believe that Courtney thinks she can fail at anything.'

Thirty years later and I've lost that belief in myself. I figure that every adult goes through that. Experience enough disappointments in life or let others make you feel less of yourself and you lose that ability to ignore your fears and just go for it. I thought of that story of my first piano recital today as I sat in my car thinking about how I need to make a change. My friend had just been 'tagged' on Facebook with a Before/After picture. I watched her last year participate in an extreme program of fitness and saw how it changed her entire life. I watched with envy. I sat in my car today and questioned when did I become a 'watcher'? I used to be the first on the dance floor, the first to volunteer to get up in front of a crowd, the center of focus with no fears about what eyes were on me.

I know when it happened  When I looked in the mirror and realized how fat..yes FAT I am and started to project my insecurities about my body image to others and what they must obviously think of me. No man could love me or find me attractive, I am the fat funny friend in the background watching my other friends live the lives I want. Why have I denied myself that life?

So today I pulled the trigger and signed up for a boot camp. An INTENSE boot camp. One that will do activities I could never dream of doing. I spoke to the trainer and said 'I can't run.' I gave myself all the excuses in the world. Then I thought of five year old me. I had no fear of playing piano in front of a crowd. I didn't care that my song wasn't nearly as complex, interesting or exquisite as the other children were playing. I frankly didn't give a damn about anything but getting up there and playing my song.

Today, I am taking back my five year old state of mind!