Sunday, March 31, 2013

The material rewards...

I no doubt have an appreciation for the physical and mental changes to my health I have experienced. But yesterday I had an exciting experience.
First, I shopped with my dearest friend. Since I have known her she has always been beautiful and had an amazing figure. She has never made me feel like the fat friend because she recognizes the important things. Yesterday we shopped for clothes. She doesn't like shopping but we had fun. The best part was that we were shopping in the same section comparing clothing. I wasn't, for the first time in a long time, under that 'Women's Plus' sign.
Then, I came home. Sat on my bed for a while staring at my closet. My overflowing closet. Full of clothes I bought because they covered me and fit. I took them all out, bagged them up, and got rid of them. I had a few emotional moments when I remembered why I wore what I wore. And now hanging in my closet are the bare minimum of items. Only things that fit, no 'going back' clothes. I won't enable myself to become that unhappy again.

Contemplating my results

Well it's been 12 weeks and here are the stats:

Weight: - 32.3 lbs
Measurements: -19.5 inches
Resting Heart Rate: 84 down to 60
Active Heart Rate: 166 down to 136
Mile: Time is down 4 minutes
Push Ups (60 seconds): Was 9 on knees...now 43 with 10 on toes!

Those are the easy measurements to think about but the harder ones to measure are these:

1. My self esteem: I have had no negative thoughts about my body in ages
2. My dedication: I have always been dedicated when I set my mind to something but this has pushed this beyond my limits to new heights
3. My relationship with my body: I listen to my body and know when I need to adjust or when I am improving. I know when I am hurt and when I am just hurting. It is nice to get acquainted with myself.
4. My changing relationships: Working with these women has redefined how I view some of my relationships. It is about mutual support for hard work and not mutual permission poor decisions.
5. My joy: I have rediscovered my joy and my real smile.

Now I have a week then I start again and I am excited to see what the future holds.


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Mentally prepping to go again...

There are a few of us who have re-enlisted so to speak. We will have eight days between the end of this session and the start of the next. I think some of us are struggling to the finish mentally but we are doing it. I think we are all mentally evaluating what we would have done differently this session and figuring out how to improve in the next one. I think we have all crossed one big obstacle and that was simply signing up again! We totally got this!!!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Why I chose to do it this way.

Disclaimer: What I'm about to write is a personal decision. What people decide is the right path for them is fine by me and I wish them nothing but love and success in their journey.

I used to wake in the middle of the night and see those commercials for miracle pills and I always knew that they wouldn't work and I didn't trust them. But then the medical community started to support drastic surgery (gastric bypass or lap band). To me these seemed like such drastic measures to just change one's appearance. But as the years passed and I got bigger it seemed more and more acceptable. I knew people who did both and seemed happy. I thought maybe it was the way but I could never broach the subject with my doctor. I couldn't do it. And now I know why.

I don't believe surgery is the easy way out. In fact it requires drastic changes that are irreversible. For me it wasn't a solution, and now I know why. This project has been so much more than weight loss. It has been about conquering demons. It has been about understanding my body and my mind and how the two are tied and interdependent. It has been about exploring my limits and learning to push beyond them. It is about me stepping so far outside of my comfort zone that I establish new comfort zones and have to break past them as well.

I could have made it just about the weight loss. I could have decided that was my only goal, but it is clear to me now what is happening. I am becoming a whole person. I am healing from some things that put me to where I was for such a long time. I am setting down the sadness and acknowledging the role that it played in my life but I am deciding it will no longer dominate my behavior.

So now rather than only setting weight loss or other physical goals, I am working to define mental and spiritual goals. I am trying to figure out how to qualify and quantify my success because failure is not an option. I deserve success.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

How can tomorrow be the begining...

...of the end? Tomorrow is our last Monday as a group. On Friday morning we will weigh in and take final assessments and call it good. Then we will go out Friday night. My routine is set and I know what happens but right now I'm stunned that tomorrow is the beginning of the end. Actually it is just a start for me and I'm gonna really miss these women.

Friday, March 22, 2013

The group in the corner..

Today I spent 11+ hours watching basketball for the NCAA tournament with my dad. I scored tickets and we had a blast. But, to prepare for that I had to knock out 2 workouts first thing. So I did regular bootcamp at 5:30am. It included lots of sprinting and stairs...stairs...ugghhh stairs....
Then, I went to the studio and took a new class. There were seven of us all in the corner who had done bootcamp and followed with this. It was a good feeling when the instructor told the rest of the room 'When you get tired, look at this corner! These ladies are on their 2nd workout of the day!'. I've never been made a positive example of when talking about physical fitness and let me tell ya it felt good. It also felt like I had to step it up a bit. But it was good none the less!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Where I've been...

I started thinking last night as I crawled into bed if I could remember how I felt before this all started. It is hard to remember even though it has only been 11 weeks. But when I think of my lifestyle and how boring it was as far as activity I can imagine how I felt. I think about those first 2 weeks of bootcamp when I thought I made a horrible mistake as compared to how I feel today. Yes I am sore and tired but more importantly I am genuinely happy. I wake up proud of myself and go to bed proud of myself. Some people are worried that once I finish bootcamp I will backslide. Well first off I'm doing it all again. So that is a ways off. More importantly I can remember how I felt those first workouts versus now and I don't ever want to feel that awful again. While that may not be enough motivation, I think it is a good start.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I found my abs and they are pissed....

You know how people say it's the second day after a crazy hard workout? Well it is true! I guess I was so focused on all the laps (running) on Monday that I didn't think much of all the crunches and bicycles we did in between. I forgot, but my body didn't.

When I woke up this morning my body informed me it was mad. My whole mid-section was in pain. Like a deep aching throbbing pain. And I felt it all day long. But, tonight (after a miserably tough class) I thought about how my 'abs' feel. I decided to imagine that rather than being angry at me they are actually announcing their triumphant return. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

My pants don't fit!

But in a good way. For the past few weeks I've been wearing sweater dresses. While I shrink I can still wear them, they just fit differently. I have jeans that I bought but today I wanted to wear pants. I did the dance of finding something to wear to work and struggled because my pants don't fit. They are all TOO BIG! I finally found a pair that while baggy (hence unflattering) I could keep from falling down if I kept them on my hips. I don't remember the last time this happened or if this has ever happened. I'm shrinking out of my clothes!!!

Monday, March 18, 2013

When I see myself through others eyes...

Today I had the chance to see myself through others eyes on three different occasions.

This morning my friend at work looked at me and said 'Wow it is just melting off!' I've heard this from a few people and while I love the admiration I assured her it is not melting off I am working my A$$ off and earning every ounce that I lose.

Then I had to go to a someone's office on another topic. The conversation evolved and I fessed up to this project to which he said, 'I wanted to say something but didn't know how.' I thanked him and assured him that he can always compliment me on weight loss.

Finally, tonight. I went to class I hadn't planned on attending and J (from yesterday's post on Gliders) was taking the class. She told me she was so proud of me for not giving up on the gliders and just said several nice things culminating in 'Can I give you a hug?' And that made my day.

Too often, though I try not to do it, I focus on where I am going and don't appreciate where I am. I think part of this is out of fear of getting stuck here. But you know what I have to stop and admire and appreciate. I have to notice when people look at me like something is different and smile to myself. Because at this point and moving forward it is only gonna get better. If I feel this good about myself now, how am I gonna feel next week, next month...next year?!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Gliders, aka my Mt. Everest...

It is no secret that I despise gliders. I think they are the tools of the devil and watching tiny girls scoot around on em makes me mad. But, today in our Circuit class, J pushed me to use them. She did it in a forceful yet kind manner...sneaking up behind me while in a mountain climber position (sans the gliders I should have been using) and she slid em under my feet. She counted and said encouraging things and pushed me the last 10, 8, 5...4...3...2...1. And when I was done and ready to move on G one station over told me good job. And that was exactly the combination I needed. Don't get me wrong I have a long way to go before I am comfortable or can do them with any degree of experience. But it sure felt good when that countdown was done.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

What it feels like...

I've had people ask what the classes are like. I can describe them in the technical sense. The types of moves that you do, the music that is played the setup of the room. I can explain the equipment and how we use it. But that is just the technical part of what the classes. What I'd rather put into words is how it feels.

In the beginning there is anticipation. The thoughts about what could be asked of you based on the equipment you had to grab. With gliders I think of my legs and arms on fire, the big ball means my hips and thighs are gonna hurt. The bands point to any number of arm and back muscle involvement. Weights...1 lb means lots of cardio (but these are never listed you grab them as needed if you need to step down from the 2lb). 2 lb is cardo and strength and 3lb well yah if you grab those then kuddos to you.

The first couple minutes your heart goes from a semi-rest to full blown zone. You are breathing heavier but your muscles feel good so it's no worries. By 10 to 15 minutes your arms are starting to really feel it...When I hit the 30 minute mark I think of a countdown. Which I should mention, I don't watch the clock in the room. I wear a watch that monitors heart rate and calories and generally keep it on heart rate but I do peek to see how much time left. When there are 10 minutes left I am yawning...not from boredom but from sheer exhaustion. And then, just like that the music slows and the lights go off and you've made it. A sheer elation runs through me as we start stretching. It is joy from knowing what I did, from knowing that it's over. It's happiness and pride in knowing that I am doing much better than the previous class, week, month...which means next time I will even do better.

I can't describe the emotions you have or if you have them. It is very personal. But for me the emotional and mental feelings I get are far more important than the pain I feel and the physical exhaustion.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Looking around me in class...

A lot of what I have written is about my journey and what I'm experiencing and that is the point of this project. But, I want to take a minute to talk about the culture or vibe of our bootcamp crew. I became very aware of it when I sent out a note today to the group to see who was going to the 5:30 class. This is the first day of gorgeous weather in KC the Big 12 tournament is going on. Everyone I know is downtown partying or sitting on their decks drinking and soaking up the sun. I was just hopeful someone was going to class. I got a few notes from girls who said they were doing an outside workout and encouragement to join in but I declined since I hadn't had a Fusion class all week other than our bootcamp. Then a few let me know they would be there tonight and I got excited.

I was so tired driving to class and would have rather gone home and straight to bed. But as they trickled in and we put our mats down by each other we started laughing and sharing experiences with other people in class who aren't part of this. I noticed a lot of the other women seemed so alone in the class and I made an effort to smile to those around me I didn't know and say encouraging things as we worked. But there is something about experiencing it with these women.

These women have pushed me and encouraged me and have changed this from a painful to a joyful experience  I get excited when I see them in class and I am genuinely sad when they have to miss a session. There is something about working out every day with people that you see them change and they see you change and you appreciate the effort and exhaustion you are both experiencing. They understand that you are sick of stinky laundry. That your skin is so dry from sweating and showering multiple times a day. That they get it when you say you would give anything to eat/drink/taste X but you don't because it's not worth it. I am so happy when they tell me they've signed up for the next round so there is a comfort level with them. This is the first time in my life I have stuck with a health plan this long. And I believe it is because of the women around me in class day in and day out. And, as we come down to the end....I'm gonna miss them being around every day but I hope to keep seeing them in class.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you need a break. And that is ok. The trick is to not let yourself make that break permanent. Thursday I needed a day. Just a day to regroup. A day to stick with the diet but rest my body. It was so tempting to extend this break beyond Thursday but I woke up this morning 15 min before my 4:45 alarm. I was dressed and pacing and antsy to get going. Finally walking out the door at 5am and racing towards the soccer fields. My body wanted to move even if my mind said stay in bed. So I moved. I'm not as fast as the others but that's ok I just keep going. Maybe in another 10 weeks I'll take a whole day off. Maybe.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

On changing my thought allocation...

I said something today to a friend over the phone and as I was saying it I was realizing it. It started with me being so super excited that I am wearing a new, smaller, dress and that I feel good in it. That I am showing my arms and not hiding them under layers. I was talking about all of this when I said to her, "I look in the mirror every day and I'm amazed. I haven't had a negative thought about my body in the longest time." And, as I reflect on that, I realize how important that is. While no my body isn't anywhere near where I want it to be, my attitude towards it is changing so much. I am noticing the toning, and the shape of my: arms, waist, bust, ass, tummy and legs. I notice the improvements in my skin and hair and overall complexion. I thought about my statement to my friend and how much time I spent every day thinking about how much I hated my body. And I don't do that anymore. It has freed up my thoughts to turn to so many things.

Music as motivation...

So you know that moment when you are in your car and you are singing along to the radio and someone pulls up next to you and laughs. Well take that moment, make it so you are wearing headphones, you forget where you are (on an elliptical in a crowded gym) and you start dancing and singing. Yup I did that. Yup they saw me. Nope I don't care. Let's talk about music and how it relates to my workouts. When I am in a class and there is good music I enjoy the workout a lot more. When there is bad music I am a little bit disappointed. The good news is that has only happened a couple times. I have put together a playlist of songs that would never be played in church. I have to say, when I have the choice of buying the clean version of a song versus the dirty one...I go dirty all the way. My top five pics right now (which I admit are rather mysogenistic) are:

#5: All night Longer- Sammy Adams: I love this when I am doing push ups. I try to do push ups on the beat.
#4: Wobble- V.I.C: This is my favorite warm up song. I start running to the beat then double the beat on the elliptical.
#3: Get Low Featuring Flo Rida and T-Pain: When the workout says sprint...this is my go to song
#2: Running Up That Hill- Placebo: When I am hitting a wall I listen to this and it pushes me. It is a little slower so I like it on the inclines but it moves me and keeps me going.
#1: Thrift Shop- Featuring Wanz: I laugh no matter where I am or what I am doing when I hear this and sing along. It is just fun and yes it's the dirty version.

Ok this is the first time I'm asking for comments...what songs get you moving? Which ones make you keep moving?

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Moving into new territory...

There are ellipticals all over my gym. Some are lined up along the track. My go-to one overlooks the indoor pool. I'm a fan of this one cause I love watching all the old folks in water aerobics or parents trying to teach kids to swim. They fat guys who think a workout is 2 laps and a hot tub/sauna. I make up stories about everyone down there. But, there is one set I've avoided unless forced to use them. They are the line of ellipticals in the big room with three rows of cardio equipment and a big mirror in front of you. You can see yourself, you can see everyone in the room and that means they can all see you. I've used the isolated machines I think because subconsciously I wasn't ok with people seeing me exercise. Or rather, strangers seeing me. Today, I didn't even look at my isolated in the corner machine, rather I marched right up to the cardio room, front row and got moving. Now to be fair it helped that there is a gorgeous guy I see there every day and it's enjoyable to sneak a peek....but really I was proud of myself for getting up there and moving. Moving fast and catching others watching me. And, when I did catch them watching me, I smiled because I knew I looked good!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Knowing myself and setting my goals...

We only have 3 weeks left in this round of bootcamp. While I know that I have another 12 after that and well possibly another 12 after that...I have to put that session out of my head. I have to focus on the here and now. My goal at the end of this 12 weeks is to weigh what it says on my drivers license. I am six pounds away from that. I have 3 weeks. So I am going to push in these last few weeks to reach that attainable goal. Remember many weeks ago I posted about figuring out attainable goals and how my friend A.P. had mentioned that I needed to learn my body and set goals I could attain. I'm grateful for that conversation because each week I have set a goal. Last week I was FLOORED when I dropped 8lbs in a week. My immediate decision was I wanted any loss I could get after that and at a minimum to maintain and not gain. I like to do projections weeks and months out and see what I may weigh at those life events on spreadsheets. Today I erased those projections and I am re-focusing on a week to week mentality. Life is going to change. There are going to be good weeks and bad weeks and AMAZING weeks. I cannot set myself up for failure so I will take the losses with appreciation and evaluate what I could have done differently and try to change it up. For now, I'm happy I met this weeks goal of don't gain and I even lost half a pound. But I want that 6 pounds so let's see what I can do!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Yup I'm kicking your ass...

Ok I don't want to be petty but sometimes it feels really good when a skinny girl is next to me on the elliptical and I catch her looking at my settings/distance/calorie burn/pace then looks at me and back at the settings as if to say 'Wow can't believe that girl is doing that.' Even better is when well to put it mildly I'm kicking her ass. Fitness isn't a competition. But the people who used to intimidate me at the gym don't anymore. I don't ever want to intimidate someone and prevent them from feeling comfortable in a workout. I want everyone to feel good about themselves. But, it does bring a small grin to my face to know that the lil bitty thing next to me just can't keep up.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

My new Saturday routine...

I used to sleep in. Lounge around in my pajamas until 11. Watch reruns of Gilmore Girls, Bev Niner (90210) and lay on the couch...A LOT. That was my Saturday morning. A lot has changed in 10 weeks. This morning I went to a new class. One I had signed up for before but kept cancelling cause my bed was so nice. But, today, I got up and went to that 7am class. Then after the class, swung by the grocery store for berries and bananas. I took down a banana on the way from the store to the gym where I knocked out 5.75 miles on the elliptical during a take home workout over 60 minutes. While I used to really like my Saturday routine and this one isn't the most lovable  I do LOVE how I feel after it. Oh and to see what all that translates too...check out my new watch!

Pressing my luck...

There is a device of torture that is often used in Fusion classes. They look unassuming but for the love of all things holy, they are evil evil lil buggers. I'm talking about Gliders. I've mentioned them before. When they are not on the list for class I do a happy dance. For the last four days, I have walked into class and they weren't on the list. I was so focused on the fact that they weren't on the list I lost a healthy respect for what was. Bands! No not the kind that play in the garage down the street from me (they are AWFUL by the way and LOUD)...but the elastic type that you pull in odd ways to work muscles you didn't know you had. I think my fear of gliders is not in the use of them, but in my failures with them. I've gone four classes without them so my luck is running out, I am going to really push myself and try them the next time they are on the list. But, for now I will enjoy my streak.

Yup I've been to McDonalds...

I used to go to McDonalds four times a week for either a breakfast sandwich, coffee or a huge diet coke. There is something about the fountain Diet Coke at McDonalds that is just so good. Since this all started, I've been to McDonalds twice. No, I did not get a coffee or a soda or anything to eat. I went there because I desperately had to pee. Growing up, road tripping to St. Louis to see family, we always stopped at McDonalds because they had such clean restrooms. So, in an emergency or pinch I look for a Mickey Ds. I walk in like I was going through the drive thru and straight to the restroom. The only reason I've been there the two times is because the amount of water I drink is through the roof. The second time I went was this week. I walked in and the smell of the place made me nauseous. I had no desire to eat a french fry, get a cheeseburger or even my favorite large Diet Coke. I think the times are changing...though I will continue to use their nice restrooms.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I'm falling in love...

I am falling in love...with myself. There is a spring in my step, a joy in my smile, a lightness to my whole self. I look in the mirror and don't have to force myself to smile back. I catch glimpses of my whole body in windows or mirrors and slow down as I pass to enjoy. The guilt over the treatment of my body has been replaced by complete and total pride. People who meet me today may not appreciate the changes in my body but those who know me do. I get dressed in the morning with excitement over how clothes fit differently. I am falling in love with myself because I started to treat my whole being as something to be loved.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

God aren't you hungry?

I get the question about my 'Hunger' level whenever someone asks me about this project. When I say that I eat 1,200 calories per day they get a look on their face like 'How can I tell her she is insane?' So I thought about this as I sat down to my lunch and a little Hulu. (Note: Because I am so busy with this pretty much all my TV watching is on Hulu). My lunch today:
1. Turkey Sausage and Peppers with Black Beans @ 290 calories (I made this up with low fat low sodium turkey sausage, bell peppers, black beans, rotel diced tomatos and peppers and an onion along with a random mix of seasoning in the crock pot. It was a risk and it was worth it)
2. Baby Carrots with 2 tbsps of Original Hummus (I never finish all 2 tbsp which is a change now that I think about what I eat)
3. Blueberries and Strawberries. I can't wait til Spring and Summer when fruits and veggies are even more flavorful
4. Sugar Free Jello-O Pudding (Dark Chocolate) because sometimes a girl needs it.

I ate slowly and enjoyed all of it. I thought about it while I ate it. I front load my meals with Breakfast and Lunch being the bulk of my calories with an afternoon snack of another piece of fruit or veggie and Sargento low cal string cheese. Dinner is light. A piece of fish or chicken with a veggie.

Honestly, with the introduction of more whole foods and substantial foods I am never hungry. And when I am, because I plan, I have a healthy snack ready to go.

One more thing....I hate when people on 'diets' complain of "hunger." Because of work with a group I love I have learned a lot about what real hunger is. Did you know that most recent stats say that 1 in 4 kids in Missouri and 1 in 5 kids in Kansas live in food insecurity? That means they don't know where/when/or if their next meal is coming. And when it does, it is often not nearly as nutritious as my breakfast, lunch, dinner or snacks. So when you think you are hungry, think about what you are eating. Think about if you are truly hungry or you are eating out of boredom. Just really think about it before you say you are 'hungry' or god forbid 'starving.'

Monday, March 4, 2013

An end to the waiting and the start of anticipating....

I've waited patiently. I've worked hard and waited. I've eaten right and waited. I've suffered through the hurt and aches and waited. And today, the wait paid off. I not only passed the 20lb weight loss mark but had the single biggest weight loss week to date...8 POUNDS!!!
Suddenly my jumping jacks kicked in, planking didn't hurt as much and sprinting (while annoying) was no problem. I hit the burpees like I never hated them and rode that high all morning. I told anyone and everyone what I did. And while I still have a long way to go, this was the kick in the pants I needed to get re-invigorated with this project. All these weeks I've said it's not about the scale, and it still isn't. But it is about how I feel about myself and how I have been working hard and how I know I have given myself a wonderful gift. And so I enter the last four weeks of this first session with a new optimism and hope that I will get to where I want to be, where I deserve to be.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Sunday fun day...

Some observations from my day...

1. I can almost do the jump up on the step in Circuit Circus class
2. Gliders are still evil
3. Working out is really fun when doing it with a friend
4. Sometimes I hold back and I need to recognize that and push myself
5. Starbucks tall skinny drinks are sometimes a really nice treat
6. Second workouts feel better when you change into a dry shirt
7. Mr. Physically Fit two ellipticals down was watching me in the mirror and I kicked his ass on endurance
8. Just when you feel like you can't push it to 80 RPMs the perfect song comes on and makes it better
9. A good friend will order you to get off the scale
10. PJs after two hard workouts before 2pm on a Sunday are perfectly acceptable




Saturday, March 2, 2013

I ate cake and it was delicious...

So to the tune of my previous post, I am working on forgiving myself but not giving myself permission to repeat bad behavior. With that in mind I gave myself permission to enjoy a special event with my wonderful sorority sisters today. While I did 'splurge' on bad for you food, my splurge was minimal and planned. No more so than the cake. I asked for a small piece and looked at it and after eating it I realized I did something I didn't before. I thought about what I was eating, I thought about the taste and texture and how I felt eating it. And, while I'm not gonna lie it was yummy I also knew this would not be a daily/weekly occurrence. I enjoyed the treat, and then I went home, put on my running shoes and knocked out a 500 calorie burn at the gym.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Laughing through the pain...

Tonight I took a new class 'Fusion 50'. Did you know that standing on a step with your leg elevated and pulsing while pulling on a band is well...in a word....miserable. It hurts as you try to keep your balance and lift your leg and make yourself focus. Enter the people in the class....
With 'K' on my right and 'M' on my left I can't tell you how often we glanced at each other and exchanged those knowing glances that said 'We have to do what?---Oh god this hurts!---Will this ever end?!' And then you smile...you giggle to yourself because someone gets it. Then the instructor, an old friend from college, walks by you at the precise wrong time and you give her the look of 'How can you do this to me?' Not to worry cause after class I apologized because really, it was a great class. She pushed me and when I reflect on it I think about the fact that while I can't do it perfectly, it is a hell of a lot better than I would have eight weeks ago. Even better the fact that I can laugh in the middle of a class like that and not be mad at myself rather be proud of myself.