The picture that motivated me...

Right before I started this long hard journey of wellness and well being, we had a party for my mother. When I went through the pictures I couldn't find a single picture that I was happy with. And so here you go this is what I used to look like...

Here is what I look like now...

Moving forward like a tortoise...

Frustration has set in. When I look at the last bootcamp's week 3 and 4 I realize that I am in that same frustration. But, I have to remember after that frustration came great rewards. I am currently plagued by seasonal allergies so I have locked up my home and turned on the air. I would love to workout outside but until I have a steady stream of antihistamines in my system that isn't happening. For now I just focus on the fact that I am still making progress.

Back to a routine...

This week has been really hard. The loss of someone you love can throw you in a tailspin. Was I good, I tried that is what I will say. I then spent about 40+ hours volunteering for a place I love. When I was busy I didn't think about how sad the week had been but when I got home late at night it would hit me.

Tomorrow, my routine life begins again. I go to bootcamp then work then Fusion then bed then repeat. I need that routine. My hip is still hurting but I am sure it is a strain and not bone or joint issues. It is frustrating so we will see how this week goes. I have decided not to beat myself up regardless of what the scale says tomorrow. The fact that a week ago our world was rocked and we are coming out the other side is enough for me.

Trying to be good...

I'm trying so hard to be good. I am busy volunteering with a group for a large event and that means junk food, carry out and no time for workouts. So I am wearing my heart monitor, trying to stand as much as possible, haul boxes, walk and stay away from the snack table.

After all the stress of the last few days and this event I am not going to be bothered by whatever the scale says on Monday. I won't be bothered because this is life. Bad things happen, you get busy, healthy options aren't set in front of you. I won't beat myself up but I won't give myself permission to backslide. So I will get through these next 3 days the best I can until I can get back to my routine.

I spoke too soon...

After my last post, I got a call. A dear friend of ours, part of our family really, passed away unexpectedly. I was glad I had written the previous post because I held it in my head and have tried not to comfort eat.

I got up and went to bootcamp this morning. I had gained a few ounces (my first gain in this whole process) and I attribute some of it to stress.

I was remembering our friend's words to me last time I saw him (Easter Sunday) when he told me how proud he was of me and that I just had to keep moving. This morning at bootcamp as we ran to the wall to do wall-sits someone said that we just had to keep moving and that is when the grief boiled up and over. I sprinted from the field and across the facility where I cried a deep heaving sob. No chance to catch my breath. That deep belly ache of sadness overcame me and I worked to pull it together. Then I heard him in my head that I just had to keep moving. So I went back and finished.

These next couple days are going to be hard, hell it's gonna be hard for a long time but I know he was proud and so I will hold him in my heart as one of my cheerleaders.

Dealing with sorrow...

It is no secret that I am emotional eater. I remember when I first ate to deal with sadness. A long time ago when I was in middle school, my family suffered a loss that to this day affects all of us. It is a deep abiding sorrow that will never go away. Food was everywhere and that's what I did. I ate.

In September of 2001 I was living in Boston, going to graduate school and working full time. I had just moved into a great apartment with two wonderful roommates. I don't need to detail that day, everyone remembers where they were and what happened that day. One of my most vivid memories of that day was returning home and finding that one of my roommates, not knowing what else to do, had baked dozens and dozens of chocolate chip cookies. When all three of us were finally home we snuggled down on our two-person futon with our TV that didn't have cable and a giant bowl with all the cookies. We sat, we cried, we watched and we ate that entire bowl of cookies. I couldn't eat a chocolate chip cookie for months after that.

Two days ago we all watched while terror unfolded on the streets of Boston. And I felt that panic and terror I had felt almost 12 years ago in that city. I watched images of streets I used to walk and images of a city I love as it began to grieve while in shock. And I wanted to eat. Instead, I put on my shoes and went to class. I worked and I sweated and held in the tears. I got in the car covered in sweat and I cried. I cried in the shower and cried as I went to sleep. The next day I saw tributes that made me cry so I went to class and I worked hard. I thought of all of my friends still in Boston and as I worked, I ran a roll call through my head to make sure I had heard from each of them via phone, text or facebook. I went through the list again and again and again as I lifted the weights, and balanced on the stability ball. I got in my car and cried.

I know that the weeks and months ahead there will be tons of news stories and images and there will be times that these will make me cry again. But, today is different. Because today I know I made it through the first two days and instead of emotionally eating, I worked harder and burned more calories and took control of the grief.

Move over gliders...

I have a new hatred and that is the 'Stability Ball'. You know them the things that some people use as office chairs or that they have blown up in some corner of their house and never use. Well lately I have discovered that I think I hate them more than gliders.

We do moves like squeezing them between our ankles while on our backs and raising and lowering our legs slowly. We do balancing moves on them and we hold them up and out and swing them while doing lunge after lunge. It doesn't sound that bad. But believe me it hurts an awful lot.

So now I will look for them on the 'list' of equipment at the start of every class and I will dread them for a while. But, if they are anything like the dreaded gliders I will eventually get the hang of them. I hope.