Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The picture that motivated me...

Right before I started this long hard journey of wellness and well being, we had a party for my mother. When I went through the pictures I couldn't find a single picture that I was happy with. And so here you go this is what I used to look like...


Here is what I look like now...



Moving forward like a tortoise...

Frustration has set in. When I look at the last bootcamp's week 3 and 4 I realize that I am in that same frustration. But, I have to remember after that frustration came great rewards. I am currently plagued by seasonal allergies so I have locked up my home and turned on the air. I would love to workout outside but until I have a steady stream of antihistamines in my system that isn't happening. For now I just focus on the fact that I am still making progress.


Sunday, April 28, 2013

Back to a routine...

This week has been really hard. The loss of someone you love can throw you in a tailspin. Was I good, I tried that is what I will say. I then spent about 40+ hours volunteering for a place I love. When I was busy I didn't think about how sad the week had been but when I got home late at night it would hit me.

Tomorrow, my routine life begins again. I go to bootcamp then work then Fusion then bed then repeat. I need that routine. My hip is still hurting but I am sure it is a strain and not bone or joint issues. It is frustrating so we will see how this week goes. I have decided not to beat myself up regardless of what the scale says tomorrow. The fact that a week ago our world was rocked and we are coming out the other side is enough for me.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Trying to be good...

I'm trying so hard to be good. I am busy volunteering with a group for a large event and that means junk food, carry out and no time for workouts. So I am wearing my heart monitor, trying to stand as much as possible, haul boxes, walk and stay away from the snack table.

After all the stress of the last few days and this event I am not going to be bothered by whatever the scale says on Monday. I won't be bothered because this is life. Bad things happen, you get busy, healthy options aren't set in front of you. I won't beat myself up but I won't give myself permission to backslide. So I will get through these next 3 days the best I can until I can get back to my routine.

Monday, April 22, 2013

I spoke too soon...

After my last post, I got a call. A dear friend of ours, part of our family really, passed away unexpectedly. I was glad I had written the previous post because I held it in my head and have tried not to comfort eat.

I got up and went to bootcamp this morning. I had gained a few ounces (my first gain in this whole process) and I attribute some of it to stress.

I was remembering our friend's words to me last time I saw him (Easter Sunday) when he told me how proud he was of me and that I just had to keep moving. This morning at bootcamp as we ran to the wall to do wall-sits someone said that we just had to keep moving and that is when the grief boiled up and over. I sprinted from the field and across the facility where I cried a deep heaving sob. No chance to catch my breath. That deep belly ache of sadness overcame me and I worked to pull it together. Then I heard him in my head that I just had to keep moving. So I went back and finished.

These next couple days are going to be hard, hell it's gonna be hard for a long time but I know he was proud and so I will hold him in my heart as one of my cheerleaders.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dealing with sorrow...

It is no secret that I am emotional eater. I remember when I first ate to deal with sadness. A long time ago when I was in middle school, my family suffered a loss that to this day affects all of us. It is a deep abiding sorrow that will never go away. Food was everywhere and that's what I did. I ate.

In September of 2001 I was living in Boston, going to graduate school and working full time. I had just moved into a great apartment with two wonderful roommates. I don't need to detail that day, everyone remembers where they were and what happened that day. One of my most vivid memories of that day was returning home and finding that one of my roommates, not knowing what else to do, had baked dozens and dozens of chocolate chip cookies. When all three of us were finally home we snuggled down on our two-person futon with our TV that didn't have cable and a giant bowl with all the cookies. We sat, we cried, we watched and we ate that entire bowl of cookies. I couldn't eat a chocolate chip cookie for months after that.

Two days ago we all watched while terror unfolded on the streets of Boston. And I felt that panic and terror I had felt almost 12 years ago in that city. I watched images of streets I used to walk and images of a city I love as it began to grieve while in shock. And I wanted to eat. Instead, I put on my shoes and went to class. I worked and I sweated and held in the tears. I got in the car covered in sweat and I cried. I cried in the shower and cried as I went to sleep. The next day I saw tributes that made me cry so I went to class and I worked hard. I thought of all of my friends still in Boston and as I worked, I ran a roll call through my head to make sure I had heard from each of them via phone, text or facebook. I went through the list again and again and again as I lifted the weights, and balanced on the stability ball. I got in my car and cried.

I know that the weeks and months ahead there will be tons of news stories and images and there will be times that these will make me cry again. But, today is different. Because today I know I made it through the first two days and instead of emotionally eating, I worked harder and burned more calories and took control of the grief.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Move over gliders...

I have a new hatred and that is the 'Stability Ball'. You know them the things that some people use as office chairs or that they have blown up in some corner of their house and never use. Well lately I have discovered that I think I hate them more than gliders.

We do moves like squeezing them between our ankles while on our backs and raising and lowering our legs slowly. We do balancing moves on them and we hold them up and out and swing them while doing lunge after lunge. It doesn't sound that bad. But believe me it hurts an awful lot.

So now I will look for them on the 'list' of equipment at the start of every class and I will dread them for a while. But, if they are anything like the dreaded gliders I will eventually get the hang of them. I hope.

Monday, April 15, 2013

I look around and see myself...

Today in our 5:30 group workout we did a lot of running and then we did a circuit. First off I should say I love circuit workouts. It is short term pain and you see the end in sight. Before you know it you are moving on to the next station. It felt so good.

I was working hard and having fun demonstrating to our small group and then I looked around the circuit. I saw women struggling, I saw women trying so hard and the look on their face was the same one I had. I know that look so well. It is the 'Crap, how can I get out of this/get through this/do this/survive this?!' look.

Again, I had to hold myself back from running to every woman in the circle and hugging them to tell them that they can DEFINITELY do this. I also gave myself an internal high five because I realized that I am in better shape than I thought,.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

2XL...XL...L!!!!

So in related news to the fact I am competing in Corporate Challenge...we had to submit our shirt sizes. When I signed up I ordered a 2XL. Then a couple weeks back I changed it to an XL. We got an email from our coordinator telling us that she had sample shirts for us to try so we can order the right size. I went up, tried it on and switched to a Large! While most women would cringe at the fact they are wearing a large shirt, I want to shout it to the world!!

I can't believe I'm doing this...

Well after a 23 year hiatus, I am 'playing' soccer! Holy crap!! In KC there a Spring/Summer event called The Corporate Challenge. Companies compete against other companies their size in events like swimming, running, track and field, golf and yes soccer.

The soccer event is only 3:3 with 10 minute halves and a 2 minute halftime. The women's team had our first 'practice' after work on Friday. All we did was kick the ball a little bit, talk about logistics and get comfortable passing. But gosh, it felt so good. The last time I played soccer I was about 12 years old and I was starting to gain weight and I quit.

I feel young, despite being so dang sore, and I feel invigorated!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

What a difference!

Tonight was the first Switch Up class of this new session. I was looking around the room tonight I saw myself in some women. The look of 'WTF' and 'Did I really sign up for this?' But they did GREAT. Then I focused on myself and thought about how different I feel in this session. As I did the moves I thought about that first class and how all I wanted to do was walk out. I remembered how I shook and wanted to cry with embarrassment. And then, I realized that I was DOING IT! I was doing everything the instructor wanted us to do. I wanted to go back 13+ weeks and hug the woman I was to thank her for not giving up after that first class and instead believing in herself.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A day when it just isn't there...

I couldn't get out of bed. I had a day ahead of me I knew wouldn't be pleasant and the thought of a workout was a miserable one. It was more of a mental block. So I went about my plans for the day and when my day was closing in on an end I got off my butt and went to the gym. It wasn't my best effort and I should have worked harder. But I know two things.
1. I put on my shoes and went to the gym when I didn't want to go. That is half the battle.
2. I didn't lie to myself and say 'hey that was a great workout.' I recognized that I phoned it in and that makes me want to work harder tomorrow.

Monday, April 8, 2013

If you knew what I know you'd be excited too!

Today we started and I wanted to talk to every woman and tell them 'You can do this!'. I tried to make a special point of talking to every woman who was speed walking instead of jogging to introduce myself and tell them they were doing great and see how they were feeling.

I got all of that encouragement my first time and it is only right to share that love that joy that encouragement to these women. I wrote to them encouraging them to write down their feelings like I do so they can reflect on these first days in the coming weeks and months. Then I shared my 'face' pictures that I took each week so they know that in 12 weeks ANYTHING is possible!

Sunday, April 7, 2013

And it begins again...

There is such an anticipation building inside me. Today was the kick off meeting for Bootcamp. There are 11 of us going through it together again with 20+ new women to the group. It's like the first day of school everyone eyeing each other and sizing each other up. I wanted to give all the new women a hug and tell them DO NOT BE SCARED! I wanted them to know that it is gonna hurt and that the mental will be the hardest part. That they will sacrifice and miss events, they will have to bypass the treats and it will seem so hard. I want them to know that it is worth it!

I'm not saying the weight loss is what makes it worth it. Or that the inches lost makes up for it. I want them to know that the sacrifice and work will give them a sense of pride that nothing else could. That they will look in the mirror and fall in love with themselves in a way that they never knew was possible. That they will look at their world as full of opportunities for them to seize because they will feel empowered to do so!

I wanted to take the nerves and fear away from them, but then I realized ...if they didn't have the chance to feel that they wouldn't feel the sense of empowerment and pride that is just around the corner.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Replacing emotional eating...

This week has been a sad week. While I have enjoyed my break from the early mornings, other life events have thrown a curve ball. This week I am sad for a friend who lost a loved one unexpectedly. I'm sad for her and her family and I worry about her. On the day it happened I was scheduled for my murderous Wednesday night class.

I was very tempted to drop my class and just go home and eat comfort food. But I am a new me. So instead I went to class and worked really hard and thought of her most of the class as I pushed and thought of how I can help her over the next days, weeks and months. And, when class was over I didn't have an answer but I also didn't feel bad about being filled with junk food. I think this was a big step to replacing comfort eating/ emotional eating with a positive act. So I will continue to think about her in these coming days as I push and use that time to think of ways I can help her.

Monday, April 1, 2013

And just like that I was 'gliding'...

I have written many many times about my hatred of gliders and the joy that I feel when we don't use them. Tonight I took Tabata and Toning from J and yup there they were on the list...GLIDERS. Evil devils.

But this time without stopping to think...when it came time...I was on them! And I WAS DOING IT! No my form wasn't perfect but holy shit my body was doing it! I continue to be amazed at what I can do and accomplish and that is an amazing feeling.