Dealing with sorrow...

It is no secret that I am emotional eater. I remember when I first ate to deal with sadness. A long time ago when I was in middle school, my family suffered a loss that to this day affects all of us. It is a deep abiding sorrow that will never go away. Food was everywhere and that's what I did. I ate.

In September of 2001 I was living in Boston, going to graduate school and working full time. I had just moved into a great apartment with two wonderful roommates. I don't need to detail that day, everyone remembers where they were and what happened that day. One of my most vivid memories of that day was returning home and finding that one of my roommates, not knowing what else to do, had baked dozens and dozens of chocolate chip cookies. When all three of us were finally home we snuggled down on our two-person futon with our TV that didn't have cable and a giant bowl with all the cookies. We sat, we cried, we watched and we ate that entire bowl of cookies. I couldn't eat a chocolate chip cookie for months after that.

Two days ago we all watched while terror unfolded on the streets of Boston. And I felt that panic and terror I had felt almost 12 years ago in that city. I watched images of streets I used to walk and images of a city I love as it began to grieve while in shock. And I wanted to eat. Instead, I put on my shoes and went to class. I worked and I sweated and held in the tears. I got in the car covered in sweat and I cried. I cried in the shower and cried as I went to sleep. The next day I saw tributes that made me cry so I went to class and I worked hard. I thought of all of my friends still in Boston and as I worked, I ran a roll call through my head to make sure I had heard from each of them via phone, text or facebook. I went through the list again and again and again as I lifted the weights, and balanced on the stability ball. I got in my car and cried.

I know that the weeks and months ahead there will be tons of news stories and images and there will be times that these will make me cry again. But, today is different. Because today I know I made it through the first two days and instead of emotionally eating, I worked harder and burned more calories and took control of the grief.