Thursday, February 28, 2013

On forgiving myself...

Sometimes you slip...it's human. What I am working on with this project is how to forgive myself without derailing myself. In the past, my downfall would be making a bad choice (food, laziness etc.) and rather than recognizing that its a bad choice and then moving on I let it get me down. In all other aspects of my life (work, charity work, friendships) I have held myself to a high standard that has increased my stress level immensely. It compounds my anxiety and when I slip it destroys me. So as much as this is a physical project, it is a mental one. So yes, perhaps I ate something I shouldn't or I didn't push myself in that last workout. My new goal is to recognize the bad choice, think about why I made it and forgive myself without giving myself permission to make that bad choice repeatedly.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hell ya I am!!!

The fun thing about shrinking out of your clothes means buying new ones. While the size on the tag might make other women cringe, mine makes me smile. It isn't about where I am or where I've been...it's where I am going! New jeans arrived a couple days ago and I pulled em out and went to look at the label and instead found this written inside the jeans and all I could think was...HELL YA I AM!!


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Snow day!!!

Woke up to no power...and about a foot of snow. While I waited and waited and waited some more I decided time to work out. So me and my trusty shovel ventured out and attacked my driveway.


And when I was done, I helped my neighbor attack hers. Please note the high walls...yup we had to lift snow up and over those walls....


In the old days I would have dreaded this chore but lately I am really enjoying it!
(Please note I did in fact wear gloves, but took em off so I could turn on the phone to take the pictures)

Back to bootcamp...

You know what isn't fun? Having the scale be down all week then weighing in and you puffed up...then last night (12 hrs after weigh in) I hopped on the scale and BAM I had dropped the weight again. Oh well it's gonna be ok one of these days I'm gonna have a big drop.

Our first bootcamp back after snow days (and before another snowstorm) was HARD. Sprinting/Jogging/Sprinting/Jogging and a lil bit of a feeling I was gonna be sick. By 10am I was in pain already. So I know it was a good workout.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

And I didn't even cringe...

Yesterday I posted a picture of myself with a friend at the KU game on Facebook. Not a big deal but it wasn't a shoulders up pic. It was a full body shot. Here is the crazy exciting part. I didn't even cringe when I did it. This is the first time in I don't know how long, that I haven't hated a full body picture of myself. I look at that picture and I am proud. A t-shirt that was tight is now loose. I am standing taller and my smile is genuine. So I don't care (well I do care but not as much) what the scale says tomorrow. I'm proud of myself today!

Friday, February 22, 2013

Not the week I planned but...

I made the most of it. I never planned on being snowed in. Oh well you have to take the hand you are dealt. So I met some neighbors, did a lot of shoveling...restrained my boredom snacking and even did a couple living room workouts. I am really anxious to get out tomorrow morning and take class at Fusion. Who would have thought I'd be looking forward to an early morning workout. I can't wait...well yes I can I wish it wasn't at 7am on a Saturday...but yes I am ready to go. I have realized in the last couple days how much easier it is to push yourself when there are people right next to you experiencing the whole thing.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Welcoming new opportunities...

Every day has become an opportunity. A chance to learn, to grow, to push myself and seek out new challenges.
Today nature dropped 10" of snow on us and with the gym closed and classes canceled I had to look for a way to burn calories. So enter my driveway and my neighbors driveway...2 hours later the burn is done and my driveway is clean.


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

And up these stairs is my future...

These are the stairs I see many times a week.
These are the stairs I face when I walk in the door.
Up these stairs is pain.
Up these stairs is sweat.
When I climb these stairs I face my fears.
When I climb these stairs I face self doubt.
At the top of these stairs there are many women more athletic than me.
At the top of these stairs I become a better version of myself.
So I climb these stairs, face my fears, feel the pain, the sweat and fight my doubts. So that at the end I can walk down these stairs and know I am one step closer to the life I deserve!



Tuesday, February 19, 2013

And then you get back up...

I threw a pity party for myself. From about 6:30 yesterday morning until about 6:00 tonight. I was tired, frustrated, I wanted to eat anything I damn well pleased. I was sore, I was jealous of the skinny girls and I wanted nothing more than to see results. At 6:00 tonight, Fusion class started. And for the first time in a few weeks, my class did not involve Gliders. And just like that, I was happy. Gliders are discs that you stand on then you go into plank and do mountain climbers, spider mans and a plethora of pain inducing moves. I hate them...I Hate Them...I HATE THEM!!! Every time you walk into class there is a list on the board of equipment you need...bands, weights, stability balls, weighted balls, gym balls (like the kind for dodgeball). When that list has Gliders I immediately feel a sense of not only dread but a sense that the class will defeat me. Tonight, NO GLIDERS. I felt an immediate shift in my attitude and demeanor. I smiled, I stretched and I went after it. So, the pity party is over. I'm back in the game and when I get down again, I will remember that it is ok to be upset as long as you get back up.

Also, I want to give a shout out to Allison H. who this afternoon gave me pep talks via text message. It is so helpful to have this amazing group of women who prop you up when you are down...

Some days you don't have it...

It started with a bummer of a weigh in. 1lb lost. And I know, at least it was lost and not gained. We took measurements and I've lost a total of 11 inches from chest/waist/hips. That should make me happy but I still felt bummed. And then, the headache hit. I fought a headache all day while working on a super crappy project at work. Came home and opted against the pre-planned high protein dinner in favor of some saltines (if there had been mac n cheese in the house I would have attacked it). Two Advil PM and in bed. No evening workout and frankly no morning workout this morning. I opted to sleep in til 6:30. I needed a break and to give myself a break. I'm already mentally getting back on track but some days you need to learn to forgive yourself for not having a perfect day. Yesterday was one of those days.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

It feels like week 1..almost...

This was an incredibly difficult week. Not only was I trying to come back from illness, but it was time to catch up to the rest of the group and add in Fusion workouts. I feel like I have come so far on most days, then I participate in a new class and I am right back at the beginning. Lost and trying desperately to keep up. And then, I wake up and my body is screaming at me with sore muscles like the first week. I'm grateful for swimming laps because it really helps. Other than the week I was sick and the first couple days, this has been the most difficult week just trying to find my footing and stride. So I'll go to bed tonight and focus on the new week. A week where I will push and try and be grateful for everything I can do.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

My new favorite thing...

Don't let the title mislead you, my new favorite thing has nothing to do with exercise or diet. It has to do with conversations I'm having with friends and family. Today my best friend S stopped by with a belated valentine. A heart shaped candy box filled with carrots. We started talking about the changes I've been making and she casually mentioned that she'd been working out again after a hiatus due in small part to what I've been doing.

I love hearing things like that. I keep getting emails, voice mails and notes from people saying they are motivated to get moving or make good food choices. While I feel good about any part I've played in inspiring this, I'm more excited that people I love are making new good choices. I worry that at some point I will stop making these good choices. It is a distinct possibility. I have been known to get on health kicks (though never to this degree or with this amount of commitment). I hope that I don't but who knows what the future holds. But, I think, if people around me are moving to good choices and making changes that will make it easier for me to keep it up.

Friday, February 15, 2013

And (I think) I'm back...

Well I did it. I did two workouts today for the first time since I got sick. By my math, I should only be short 2 workouts this week. I'm not going to beat myself up over this because frankly, the old me would have used illness as an excuse for much longer. And while I am still coughing and I had to cut the evening workout short  (because I got dizzy) I did it!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

When in doubt just try...

I have done things in the past 5 1/2 weeks that I never imagined I would. And each time I try something new, even if I can barely manage it or can't even do it I am pleased with myself. I am pleased because I tried. I didn't make an excuse. When I do make excuses, I look back with regrets. I find my days filled with more pride than regret. And today I was rewarded.

Last week I ruined the only pair of jeans that fit me. Spilled some bleach on them apparently. So, I went online to order a new pair. When this project started, those jeans barely fit me. They were tight...tight...tight. I had jeans that were a size larger (the largest I had ever owned) and I wore those more. After the last few weeks I couldn't wear those larger ones. And the size down was feeling good. So when it time to buy a new pair, I was tempted to buy the same style in the same size and then I thought...wait...go for it. And, I bought the exact same style one size down. If you've lost count that is two sizes down from the pair I was wearing at the start of this. I figured, even if I can't do it yet, I will get into them.

Today, I came home and there was the package on the front doorstep. I took them inside and opened them up and held them up. I knew they wouldn't fit yet, so I threw them on the chair and started to get ready for the gym. But curiosity got the better of me. So, I took a deep breath and pulled them on. And with not even a wince of trying, they were on. Zipped...buttoned....and covering my fanny. All because I just tried. I then promptly went to the gym and worked my butt off despite the coughs to finish one of our take home workouts.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Pushing myself...

Two nights in a row of Fusion classes. Last night was Fusion and tonight was Switch Up. I love the instructor for this class. She is the epitome of physical fitness and that could intimidate me but she always has positive things to say to everyone while encouraging them to get even better. Tonight we must have heard the phrase 'Push yourselves' two dozen times. After about the ninth time I started to ponder what that really means. What does it mean to push myself? Notice she didn't expect us all to be identical it is like she was encouraging us to set our own expectations. I'm not gonna lie, tonight was hard and yes I'm still recovering. But, tonight I tried almost every move without modification. No I didn't succeed at every move and sometimes I only did the move once or twice before I went to modified...but the point is I tried. I'm trying to push back the mental blocks I have imposed on myself to discover what my physical abilities are. Sometimes they are better than I thought and sometimes they are worse. But instead of not trying I am pushing myself to give it a shot.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Encouragement where you look for it...

Sometimes when the thought of putting on your shoes and walking out the door is more than you can handle you have to dig deep and think about how good you will feel when you are done. Motivation is a little hard for me right now.

My body is still completely exhausted and I feel like it is working against me. I am struggling to eat enough. I know that sounds silly when I'm working hard to lose weight, but I have to get a minimum amount of calories to function and meet the physical demands of the project. The calories can't be junk I need protein and complex carbs. The flu took my appetite and food just doesn't appeal to me right now. So I watch the clock and force myself to eat at certain times and even then I can't finish what I made. Water is also an issue. I try to drink it but my body just doesn't want it right now.

So, I'm frustrated. I wake with coughing fits. I cough all day. It is a deep painful one that gets worse with exertion. Here I am trying to make my body healthier and it is really fighting me. So when I could go home and go to bed, why on earth would I put on my nasty workout clothes and shoes and go to class instead.

Well, encouragement is there you just have to look for it. When I went to pop another cough drop, I stopped and read the wrapper. Who knew that there was encouragement on a cough drop wrapper. I never in my life paid attention until now. So tonight, thanks to Halls cough drops (not a product endorsement) for convincing me to push through and try my best.





Monday, February 11, 2013

And I'm back...

Well it wasn't a triumphant return to the soccer field, and to be honest at many points I was ready to sit down and stop. I wasn't able to do what everyone else was doing because I didn't realize how worn out my body was from being sick. But, I did it. I went back to boot camp this morning. Coughing and exhausted I wanted to lie down in the middle of the field and fall asleep. I didn't do that though. While everyone else was doing burpees and running I did my best just to keep moving. I didn't burn the calories I needed to but I did have a small victory. See, the old Courtney would have had the coughing fit all night like I did last night and used that as an excuse not to go. The new Courtney had the coughing fit, got up anyway and went. While I couldn't accomplish what everyone else was doing, I did accomplish that!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

It's fun when people notice...

I'm still not 100% but I'm going back to bootcamp tomorrow and gonna do my best! Today I had a meeting with a group of women I hadn't seen in a while. And they all noticed. My best friend called me after it was over to say WOW. Not gonna lie, it feels good.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Magic soup and magic friends...

I'm on the mend! I even met A at the track and walked an hour. I have every intention of being in class 5:30 am Monday! I CANNOT WAIT!!! I do need a nap but I am cooking right now. Thanks to all my friends and family for their help these last few days. Lots of nice encouraging notes were read between sleeps. Soup was delivered and man it was good. I am attempting to make this magic soup this afternoon. It felt so good to be outside and feel the sun and the wind and move my body for the first time in days. Yes I am pushing myself but frankly not pushing myself is how I got here.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Turning the corner...

Woo hoo...I'm fever and ache free. Though still congested I am feeling much more like myself. Even though my mind says "Let's hit a Fusion Class this weekend" my body says "Um yah not so much." So, I stay in bed and wait til tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm hitting the track and going for a walk. The goal is a couple miles but really we will just see how this body is recovering.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

While I wait...

So I sit here, thinking about how much I would like to go for a walk or be on an elliptical or swimming laps. But right now, it takes everything I have to walk to the front door. I just keep focusing on sleeping, resting and hydrating and hoping that this passes quickly. I suppose now is as good of a time as any to talk about food. Other than my saltine heavy diet for the last couple days I should say I have become acutely aware of the sustenance I put in my body. Before when I would count calories, I worried about the numbers. Staying below a certain number. It didn't matter what I ate to make up that number. There are a lot of programs out there that have been successful for people that stick to that concept. Eat what you want just keep to a number.

This project has changed that in my mind. While yes there is a number I stick to and do not exceed, I consider what comprises that number. Where the easy 100 calorie snack packs could keep me under the number, the energy they provide isn't worth their cost. I'm learning to understand my need for protein and complex-carbs and the ratios of my diet they should be. Snacks are no longer simply a grab and go, but a well planned and timed thing. I eat breakfast at 8am, snack at 10am, lunch at noon, snack at 3 and again at 4 then a small dinner either just before or after the evening workout depending on the evening. The snack at 3 and 4 are really just one long snack planned out to include a fruit and a protein in preparation for a 5:30 workout. On days when I have class at 6:30 I eat dinner first and it usually a piece of fish and a veggie.

Another big change...I'm eating whole foods. That isn't to say organic. Though I love organic fruits and veggies, sometimes I go with the cheaper option. Whole is a food that comes as is that hasn't been processed or treated with additives/preservatives.Fruit, veggies, lean proteins (fish or chicken or turkey). Long and the short, whole does not mean one of those 100 calorie snack packs.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Dealing with a setback...

Well, yup...I've got Influenza A. Crap. So started on the Tamiflu and hopefully can knock this out. It takes all my energy just to stand up much less consider going to work out. But I want to be at the gym. So right now I'm focusing on getting better, sleeping, drinking lots of water and not beating myself up because today is the very first day I haven't worked out.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Listening to your body...

For the past 4.5 weeks, I've been learning to pay attention to what my body is telling me. How to differentiate between this hurts but I can push and this hurts I need to pull back. So I should have listened to it this morning when I had real trouble getting out the door to the gym. Then I had trouble getting going, I was achy and exhausted but I attributed it to the standard early morning issues. Then around noon, it started to hit me. By 1:30 I was in my car and by 2:45 I was asleep and stayed that way til 7:00. Can't figure out if this is a cold or the flu. Everything hurts but no fever and I have some crazy congestion. Worse than that, I am stressing that tomorrow might be the first day in a month I don't work out. So I will listen to my body, and go to sleep now with a prayer that I wake feeling a lot better.

Monday, February 4, 2013

On goal setting...

A month ago when I started this, I had all these lofty aspirations. I'm not saying I don't still have those but I am beginning to ponder what my friend A.P. said to me. She has been on this journey to wellness for a while and is amazing. She told me that I will learn how to set my goals. So now, as I start the fifth week that is my focus. Yes I have scale goals and inches goals and dress size goals. Come on, I'm a woman and that's what we do because that's what society tells us to do. But, I'm setting goals I know that if I push I can achieve. These are goals that 4 weeks ago would have seemed impossible. So my goal this week is to step it up on the running. I can kill it on the elliptical but when it comes to jogging/running on a treadmill that is a yah not so much for me. I can't decide if I have a physical or mental block there but that is my new drive. I don't necessarily want to run on a treadmill but I want to be able to jog and sprint in our Monday and Friday bootcamps. Right now I walk/speed walk and occasionally run when required by an exercise. So that is the mindset I started with today. Now on the warm ups I didn't jog. I stuck to speed walking. However today we did Tabata.

A quick description of Tabata the way we did it...20 seconds of a hard exercise (ie: push ups, tricep dips, repeater knees etc) then 10 seconds to sprint to the other side of the field and do another exercise for 20 seconds. Do this 4 times and that's a set.

So in my head, I said ok time to run. It's a short distance and I can do anything for 10 seconds right? I'm proud to say that aside from one set where I backed off not because of running but because of the exercises, I did in fact do the sprinting back and forth.

Now in between when we did walking/jogging/running back and forth for a couple minutes I again backed off. But, I will get there. And in the last run across the field at the end of the session....I ran faster than I ever have in this group...or in decades for that matter.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

On reaching the 4 week mark...

From day one, our wonderful group leaders S & R kept saying. The first four weeks are the really hard part, if we can get through the four weeks then we can do the next 8 weeks. It will become routine, it will become part of what we do. You know what, they were right! I'm sitting here having finished my 48th workout in four weeks. Yes, 48! To give you an idea of my week, here are some totals for this week...

Elliptical: 3 Hours 55 Minutes
Take Home Workouts: 3 Hours 10 Minutes
Bootcamp Mornings: 2 Hours
Walking: 1 Hour 10 Minutes
Swimming: 35 Minutes

That is 650 Minutes of working out. Which is 10 Hours 50 Minutes. On top of that, I have burned through exercise 7,168 calories. I can't wait to see what I do in the next 4 weeks!!!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Making choices..

This project is all about choices. I made the choice to start this. I made the choice to commit. Every day I make a choice to put on my shoes and go to the gym. I have not skipped a single day of working out since this began, I made that choice. I choose every day what I will fuel my body with and since this began have not once exceeded my limit or cheated once. Every single thing I put in my mouth gets recorded. Today, after a miserably tough take home workout, I chose to eat lunch and walk out the door for a long walk. And when I was close to the time I needed for the day and near to my home, I chose to turn left and walk away from my house and tack on another 20 minutes. This project is way more than physical, it is almost entirely mental.   The physical will follow when I have my mind right. No one can make these choices for me.

Friday, February 1, 2013

The question I hate most...

It's FRIDAY! That means another bootcamp morning and plenty of time no rush for my evening workout. Bootcamp mornings never fail to introduce new 'fun' activities. Today we did a four station circuit.
Station 1: Sprint forward, Run Backward (3 min)
Station 2: Tricep Dips on a Bench (45 sec) Pushups on a Bench (45 sec) Repeat!
Station 3: Wall sits (45 sec) Wall taps (45 sec) Repeat!
Station 4: Stair Run (3 min)

Oh and guess what after we did those stations and a mini-fusion class..we did all four stations AGAIN!

It was that last one that I thought was gonna kill me. It is no secret I'm the slowest one in the group. I bring up the rear quite nicely though I hate it and I try to do better. Today during the stair run I was so thankful to my group that said...Keep going girl! You got this! Looking good! It made me feel good.

I've become more open about this process and have been telling people what I'm doing which is nice but it inevitably leads to my least favorite question... "How much have you lost?" There it is. This process defined as a scale and a loss. And while I partially hate that because the numbers aren't dropping drastically, I mostly hate it because if it was about losing then I would have lost interest 3 1/2 weeks ago. Tonight, I want to turn that around to what I've gained in almost 4 weeks of this.

Confidence: 4 weeks ago I walked into a room full of strangers who were all smaller and more athletic than me. And you know what? I stayed! And when I couldn't do what they were doing I did what I could and I stopped being embarrassed. I used to walk into a gym like I was covered for a long trek into the tundra, now a small t-shirt, tight pants, shoes and socks are all I need. I don't care what people think.

Sleep: I go to bed exhausted not from laziness but because I have burned a ton of calories and eaten right and focused. I haven't had heartburn in the middle of the night since this started. I go to bed early and I wake up early and I'm used to it.

Organization: I'm generally an organized person. This has pushed me to be hyper organized. I know everything I'm going to eat and when I'm gonna eat it. My laundry is constantly done and put away. I know what I am going to wear every day and I know exactly where I am supposed to be at every moment.

Health: I haven't had processed sugar since this began. I have eaten fruits, veggies, lean proteins and very little in the way of grains. And I haven't been hungry. I am working to cut all processed foods and next week I am tackling soda. I used to struggle to get to 15 minutes on the elliptical and tonight I walked away from 55 min plus the rest of my take home workout. My cholesterol has dropped, and because I drink water CONSTANTLY my skin looks fantastic.

Pride: Every night I look in the mirror and I smile at myself because I know that I worked hard that day, that I made good choices for my body and that I did something today that yesterday I didn't think I could do.

So, when someone asks me how much I've lost I tell them some and there is more to go. Then I smile because inside I know they just don't get it and I wish I could make them get it then I move on.