Why I chose to do it this way.

Disclaimer: What I'm about to write is a personal decision. What people decide is the right path for them is fine by me and I wish them nothing but love and success in their journey.

I used to wake in the middle of the night and see those commercials for miracle pills and I always knew that they wouldn't work and I didn't trust them. But then the medical community started to support drastic surgery (gastric bypass or lap band). To me these seemed like such drastic measures to just change one's appearance. But as the years passed and I got bigger it seemed more and more acceptable. I knew people who did both and seemed happy. I thought maybe it was the way but I could never broach the subject with my doctor. I couldn't do it. And now I know why.

I don't believe surgery is the easy way out. In fact it requires drastic changes that are irreversible. For me it wasn't a solution, and now I know why. This project has been so much more than weight loss. It has been about conquering demons. It has been about understanding my body and my mind and how the two are tied and interdependent. It has been about exploring my limits and learning to push beyond them. It is about me stepping so far outside of my comfort zone that I establish new comfort zones and have to break past them as well.

I could have made it just about the weight loss. I could have decided that was my only goal, but it is clear to me now what is happening. I am becoming a whole person. I am healing from some things that put me to where I was for such a long time. I am setting down the sadness and acknowledging the role that it played in my life but I am deciding it will no longer dominate my behavior.

So now rather than only setting weight loss or other physical goals, I am working to define mental and spiritual goals. I am trying to figure out how to qualify and quantify my success because failure is not an option. I deserve success.