When I was 5 I started taking piano lessons. I went to a woman's home named Chris Elmore and sat in her basement studio and slowly learned how to find Middle-C, how to remember that 'Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge' will help me remember the scales and that if I practiced I could get a sticker. My father likes to tell me how just a few weeks after I began, the first recital was held and I played just like all the big kids. After I played my five note song, my father went to Chris and told her 'I can't believe that she did that! She didn't seem afraid at all.' Chris apparently replied 'I don't believe that Courtney thinks she can fail at anything.'
Thirty years later and I've lost that belief in myself. I figure that every adult goes through that. Experience enough disappointments in life or let others make you feel less of yourself and you lose that ability to ignore your fears and just go for it. I thought of that story of my first piano recital today as I sat in my car thinking about how I need to make a change. My friend had just been 'tagged' on Facebook with a Before/After picture. I watched her last year participate in an extreme program of fitness and saw how it changed her entire life. I watched with envy. I sat in my car today and questioned when did I become a 'watcher'? I used to be the first on the dance floor, the first to volunteer to get up in front of a crowd, the center of focus with no fears about what eyes were on me.
I know when it happened When I looked in the mirror and realized how fat..yes FAT I am and started to project my insecurities about my body image to others and what they must obviously think of me. No man could love me or find me attractive, I am the fat funny friend in the background watching my other friends live the lives I want. Why have I denied myself that life?
So today I pulled the trigger and signed up for a boot camp. An INTENSE boot camp. One that will do activities I could never dream of doing. I spoke to the trainer and said 'I can't run.' I gave myself all the excuses in the world. Then I thought of five year old me. I had no fear of playing piano in front of a crowd. I didn't care that my song wasn't nearly as complex, interesting or exquisite as the other children were playing. I frankly didn't give a damn about anything but getting up there and playing my song.
Today, I am taking back my five year old state of mind!
Thirty years later and I've lost that belief in myself. I figure that every adult goes through that. Experience enough disappointments in life or let others make you feel less of yourself and you lose that ability to ignore your fears and just go for it. I thought of that story of my first piano recital today as I sat in my car thinking about how I need to make a change. My friend had just been 'tagged' on Facebook with a Before/After picture. I watched her last year participate in an extreme program of fitness and saw how it changed her entire life. I watched with envy. I sat in my car today and questioned when did I become a 'watcher'? I used to be the first on the dance floor, the first to volunteer to get up in front of a crowd, the center of focus with no fears about what eyes were on me.
I know when it happened When I looked in the mirror and realized how fat..yes FAT I am and started to project my insecurities about my body image to others and what they must obviously think of me. No man could love me or find me attractive, I am the fat funny friend in the background watching my other friends live the lives I want. Why have I denied myself that life?
So today I pulled the trigger and signed up for a boot camp. An INTENSE boot camp. One that will do activities I could never dream of doing. I spoke to the trainer and said 'I can't run.' I gave myself all the excuses in the world. Then I thought of five year old me. I had no fear of playing piano in front of a crowd. I didn't care that my song wasn't nearly as complex, interesting or exquisite as the other children were playing. I frankly didn't give a damn about anything but getting up there and playing my song.
Today, I am taking back my five year old state of mind!
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